The Batman

Some (spoiler-free) thoughts about The Batman

Before Marvel’s chokehold on my life and culture at large, like the rest of my Xennial cohort, I grew up as a Batman fan. The Tim Burton/Michael Keaton iteration reigns supreme (Keaton is still the only actor who filled out Bruce’s tailored jackets and the Batsuit with equal ease), and I agreed with the world that Nolan’s The Dark Knight trilogy was a tour de force. Even with whatever the hell Christian Bale did with Batman’s voice.

Affleck’s Batman? We don’t talk about that here. 

I am not a Robert Pattinson fan. His slumped shoulders, looking at the world through his eyelashes, skulking vampire vibe leaves me dry, and I like a fuckable Bruce Wayne (I know, capitalism=bad, but give me a damaged billionaire playboy* or give me death). Pattinson’s Batman, though? Fuck, yes. His jawline was angular, stubbled perfection under the cowl. Perhaps the costume forced him to stand erect but with those heavy footsteps and the cape waving victoriously in his wake, he was walking sex in the Batsuit. Swoon-worthy, even. 

Thankfully, he doesn’t spend much time as Bruce because, as I suspected based on the trailers, this Bruce has seen no paaaaaaaaarts of the… cat. Any cat. As hot as he and Zoe are onscreen — and they scorch — he looked ready to blow whenever she touched him. Like if they ever got around to the aggressive wall sex they obviously wanted to have, he’d finish in three strokes. 

Pfeiffer is my GOAT, but Zoe handed in a more than respectable take on Selina Kyle. Of the big screen performances I’ve seen in my lifetime (Pfeiffer, my Dear Cleveland Sistren We Don’t Discuss, and a criminally underrated Anne Hathaway), Zoe is a strong second. She nailed Catwoman’s graceful physicality and super charged every scene she shared with Pattinson. 

The movie was beautifully shot. The first 15 minutes captured the paranoia and fear criminals in Gotham experience knowing Batman could emerge from the darkness at any minute. There’s an incredible car chase — complete with flames and the sexiest Batmobile since the Tim Burton Batman era (Nolan’s Batmobiles were too militaristic for me). 

Score-wise, Batman’s theme? *Chef’s kiss* 

The plot is more of a political crime drama featuring characters from Batman comics than a “comic book” movie, which works as I like both genres. At three hours, it’s a tad long. I didn’t dislike the final hour, but I was more than ready to go when the credits rolled. 

Overall, this movie was a good time. I’m not sure I need a sequel. The world is rich enough for it but this story feels better as a standalone. Especially considering how much Batman we’ve seen in the last thirty years.

[*] Bruce Wayne, Tony Stark, Oliver Queen, to a less “super” degree, Don Draper. I love them all. 

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a girl named rob

I used to be "skinny black girl." I'm now a slender woman on the other side of 35 with no new moniker who is not quite interested in writing under her given name. Still writing my life, a day (or some months) at a time. Also, still black.

3 thoughts on “The Batman”

  1. I fled the theater when I trekked up to go see this; I didn’t quite make space for the fact that technically, a comic book film would be packed opening weekend….but I have got to see this on the big screen. Batman ( you are spot on about Michael Keaton, the eternal god), Bond ( Brosnan and I will give it to Craig, especially after Spectre), and Tom Cruise in those Mission Impossible films, I don’t miss. Anne Hathaway’s Catwoman is currently the runner up to Michelle, so yes, I have to see if Zoe’s smolder translates. As far as Robert Pattison, and maybe you’ll understand this from a literary perspective: my favorite novel ever is Don Delilo’s Cosmopolis- like, highlight passages favorite. Eric Packer is my Draper…..Robert embodied Packer in the film, so to me he has it. He’s like a quintessential Taurus to me; feigning plainness while all the good stuff is beneath the surface….ergo, Batman.

    I don’t know, you’ve made me hella excited to see it!


  2. I’ve been back in the theater since “Black Widow” in July and seeing this on a Saturday afternoon was the first time I thought “Wow. Can I do this many people?” (and that includes seeing Spiderman opening weekend). So I don’t blame you for being overwhelmed.

    Based on what I think your aesthetic sensibilities may be, I think you’ll dig this film. It’s GORGEOUS. You absolutely NEED to see it on the big screen.

    I’ll admit, as a not big Pattinson fan, I never realized how handsome he is until I caught that jawline under the cowl. The material is there, for sure. He just doesn’t carry it in a way that makes me sit up straight.

    I won’t say anything else because I don’t want to spoil it. Come back after you’ve seen it and we’ll dish.


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